the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
