Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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