i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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