I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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