I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
