She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
