You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
