I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
