remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
