her vagina looked like bernie madoff
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
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