dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
