he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
