I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
you had me at cake vodka
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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