I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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