just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
