then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
