She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
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I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
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You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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