he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
