I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
