I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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