God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
