how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
