wakey wakey hands off snakey
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
