Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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