i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
He did a backflip because drugs
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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