I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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