Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
