guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
