Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
