she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You are the jesus of drinking
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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