capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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