I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
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