My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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