Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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