just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
