He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
