my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
