You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Randomize
