I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
