I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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