Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
