my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
i need to put some appletini on your dick
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Randomize
