The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
