dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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