he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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