so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
