he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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