I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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