and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
