i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
