at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
