how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
