You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
