Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
