i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
