i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
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And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
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I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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