Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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