he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
