Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
