I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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