They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
